our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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