So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
one might say we're banned from that church
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
