I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
