Please, let me fuck your mom
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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