i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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