Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
