He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She's the barista slut.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
