dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's rum buckets o'clock
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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