i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
