Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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