Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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