I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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