That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
