Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
