i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
