I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
