You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
