god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
