I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
