Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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