i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
