I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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