Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
