I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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