im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
