i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
