You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
