Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
