That's intense
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
