I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
