I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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