I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
