just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
