Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You're like the curious george of whores
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
