JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
