haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
