I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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