My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
