Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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