is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
