I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
