so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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