When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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