Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
