I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
