this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
