Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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