just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
