please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
