I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
