gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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