tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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